Farewell to a blog..

It's time for a new start.

When I started this blog four years ago, I was 23. I was fresh home from an LDS mission and I dreamed of becoming a great writer. I put down a few posts, some creative writing pieces I'm rather fond of, and then less than a year later, headed to law school. The blog changed but it still felt like a relevant space to me for a time. But time, marriage, continued law school education, maturity, and experience all ended up shaping me into an entirely different person than I was and I'm ready to move on from this place.

So here's where you can find me now:
mayitpleasethecook.wordpress.com/ and theedwardsfiles.blogspot.com

The first site is my personal blog. I will be the only author and hope you'll follow me over there. I plan to be much more frequent in my posting and am really hopeful that you'll find the things I choose to post about interesting, discussion provoking, and worth your time. At the very least, it will be better than this blog has been of late.

The second blog will be a family blog and will require an invite. Dave might post occasionally, and it will have photos and details about our lives I don't really want the entire internet to have access to, and basically will be a way to show off cute pictures of our kid to friends and family who are far away, as well as a way for me to document our lives without having to scrapbook. Scissors and glue guns scare me. Hopefully it will also keep the first blog from getting over-run with mommy gushiness, helping me keep true to issues and topics I really want to keep discussing. But if cute kid pictures and vacation photos are your thing, then definitely e-mail me or leave a comment for an invite.

So thanks for sticking with me. I've loved blogging here and I'll definitely keep this site up if only for my own amusement. Sometimes its fun to go back and look at what were you thinking about four years ago and remember who you were.

A little melodrama for your Monday...

A friend told me she has a "pump-up" playlist that she listens to before a big exam the way that some athletes do before a race. A study partner of mine has been changing the lyrics to "Annie" all day long to "Tomorrow,  tomorrow, I fear you tomorrow! You're only a day away!"

As for me, this song has been going through my head all day as I've desperately tried to solidify bankruptcy, corporations, commercial paper and a dozen other sticky subjects I definitely did NOT take in law school in my mushy brain before I enter the lion's den tomorrow morning:



A bit dramatic? Perhaps. But I might just stand and cheer when they call "Time!" roughly 48 hours from now.

Impending doom/freedom ... either way I'll just be glad it's over

So ... the bar is in four days. Four. And I'm really wishing that about two months ago I'd started studying as hard as I've been for the past three or four weeks. But you know, I was working, I was pregnant, and most importantly, I was so. burned. out. Three years of law school can do that to you. But mostly? I was just acting like me. Because if there is one thing in academia I am really, REALLY good at, it's procrastinating.

That seems about right. More awesome procrastination cartoons HERE. Because really, she sums it up better than I can, and I don't think I'm violating her copyright license by posting the above picture as long as I link to her, right? Oh, the bar. The one test that makes you look for a lawsuit in every little interaction you have with people. 

Backseat driver

So that whole blog redesign? Had to take a backseat to the bar exam ... a 22-subject, two-day exam of awesomeness that I'm pretty sure will bore me to tears between now and the end of July. However, I'm stocking all sorts of post ideas away in the meantime. The problem is, most of them are nerdy law student jokes, so hopefully when I re-emerge from this mess I will regain some (let's be honest, I'm just hoping for ANY) of my pre-law school personality, possibly a normal, non-jaded/legalized sense of humor, and quickly delete all of them rather than subject you to the absolutely HILARIOUS anecdote from work the other day that involved eminent domain. What? Eminent domain doesn't get you rolling in laughter? It didn't work on Dave, either. But it got one of my very sleep-deprived classmates really going so I guess I'm still good for entertainment somewhere.

Just not here. Sorry, friends. I realize how lame this blog is at the moment.

So there's my update. And here's hoping late summer/early fall not only brings one more lawyer admitted to the Utah State Bar and the baby girl we've got coming around Sept. 20th, but hopefully a new blog, too. Maybe even one worth keeping on your Google reader or blog roll? One can only hope.

Exercise...

... a trend I've been waiting for society to get over since my Barbie when I was four had a sweatband and legwarmers.

Mmmm....

... sugar coma.

To celebrate my mom's birthday, we decided to go over-the-top indulgent with dessert this year. Dave and I made our first attempt at serious baking by following a copy-cat recipe for this amazing feat of chocolate, cream, and sugar:

Three and half hours, one devil's food cake, thirteen eggs, an entire quart of heavy cream, and more than two and half POUNDS of chocolate later, we were finally done with phase one of the recipe and we wrapped things up for the bottom three layers to freeze over night. Then came more cream, more chocolate, and some butter and corn syrup for the chocolate shell and homemade chocolate drizzle sauce. It was amazing.

I couldn't find an online version of the recipe we used, but if you're interested in joining us in our sugar coma, let me know and we will be happy to share.

Under Construction....

Seven short weeks from now I will no longer be a student.

Life is changing and it's changing quickly, my friends. Come October, I will technically be an attorney. It won't be until February 2014, when my year-long clerkship (a sort of one-year in-house learning experience) is over, that I will actually be one. Dave's life has picked up speed and he is racing at a blistering pace toward a launch date next month for the business he's spent two years creating. All in the course of a year we will have moved, made multiple job changes, started a business, graduated law school, taken the bar, and so much more. In the meantime, especially after graduation when I won't have "I'm in school" as my full-time status, I'll be in this sort of in-between place. I feel like I'm living in a house that's being remodeled around me. It's chaos, but it's exciting and progress is definitely being made. Though sometimes, I wish I could move away and just come back when it's all finished instead of having to try and pretend I'm functioning normally in an only half-functioning environment. These days, we're feeling pretty successful if a few hours of sleep and something besides stale candy from the bulk bins is consumed for breakfast.

I was looking over my blog the other day and realized how much I have changed since I started writing. This used to be where I'd go to let off a little creative steam. I was writing "who/what/when/where/how" as a journalist all day long, and ached for somewhere to put down some creative writing. My posts were MUCH funnier (and probably much better) before law school sucked 99 percent of my soul and humor away from me. Since starting law school this blog has been a place to bring attention to issues I find important, vent, and reflect on some of the more emotionally trying events of the past two years. Every once in awhile, I've still made an attempt at humor. Mostly, though, I just kind of like sending words out there to see if anyone is listening.

This blog is starting to feel a little old, kind of dated, and worn-out to me.

So it's under construction, too.

Over the next seven weeks I hope to create an entirely new place. I'm not sure what it will look like. Maybe it will become more of a "family-update" blog with actual (*gasp!) pictures. Maybe I'll go more newsy and really crusade for some good causes. Maybe nothing will change except I'll switch out the background. Maybe I'll post essays here and start a private blog with pictures. All I know is my life is headed in an entirely different direction come April and I want this space to reflect that. New degree, new career, new life phase, new blog, right?

So pardon the dust...and if anyone has any remodeling tips, I could use some advice on colors.

Roe v. Wade

There was a panel at the law school recognizing the anniversary of Roe v. Wade. Among the panelists were the CEO/Director of Planned Parenthood Utah and a family law professor. Everything from the morality of abortion to the current statistical state of abortion in the U.S. was discussed. What was not discussed was the actual case itself.

This drives me crazy. Almost everyone has strong feelings about abortion. For some people those feelings are strong ones of opposition, for others of support, and for others strong feelings of conflict and contradiction. I don't think most people can talk about terminating the unborn and the right of a woman to make decisions about her own body without feeling or thinking something.

But there is a huge difference between supporting or opposing abortion and supporting or opposing Roe v. Wade. I am weary of hearing conservatives talk about "overturning" Roe without a single nod to exactly how that would be done. And what would happen to all the legislation that has been created in reliance on Roe (including legislative limitations on abortion). But the political right aren't the only ones guilty. I'm tired of hearing the left talk about "defending Roe" without acknowledging the expansiveness of the decision or the substantive due process problems the case has created outside of the world of abortion. When advocates, from both sides of the political aisle, speak about Roe, I wonder how many of them have actually read the decision. I know they support the outcome of the case (freedom of choice for women), but if the really read it would they support all the legal implications of the case? And all of the logic? And how many times when people say "I support/oppose Roe," do they actually mean "I support/oppose abortion?"

Because the two are not the same.

I wasn't the only student who left yesterday's panel disappointed. So any of you who want to chime in with awesome insights into the legal correctness of the decision, rather than it's moral correctness, you would be filling a gap in my understanding yesterday's event didn't do much to fill.

Starting fresh ...

It's 2012 and good things are coming.

But I'm too tired to get into all that tonight so here are some other things that are coming -- sloths.

All done and Adoption ...

I'm not sure why, but I've been reading everything I can lately about adoption. There's just something about it that has resonated with me. I've read articles, signed the petition for Glee to stop representing adoption so horribly, and checked out the LDS Family Services site more than I should probably admit. Some of it started when these amazing friends put up their profile. But much of it started long before and the interest hasn't faded. Awhile ago, I found this blog and this blog through a mutual acquaintance. I found them through one of those "help us adopt" banners on another friend's blog. I remember really loving them and wishing I could do more than offer up a silent prayer that they'd be blessed with a baby soon. I stopped reading for awhile, got busy, and awhile ago decided to click over again.

It was awesome to see that they'd been blessed with a beautiful baby girl and I cried when I read their adoption story. The joy practically jumps off the page. Something drew me over there again today, and then I found this. It's a blog written by their little girl's birthmother. I read it all in one sitting, soaking it up. There was a discussion on a feminism blog I follow the other day about adoption and birthmother, birthfather, and adoptive parent rights. It's tricky to come up with policies and laws that adequately deal with such highly emotional and important issues. Many who commented were either birthparents or adoptive parents and they were almost unanimous in this one thing: It's complicated. So it was amazing for me, as an outsider to the process, to see the other side. I've rejoiced with several friends and family members who have adopted. But seeing it from her side made me appreciate how amazing adoption is even more.

When Dave and I first started talking about marriage, the possibility of adoption would often come up when we talked about our plans for children. It's something both of us feel strangely drawn to, even though we have no reason to think that that will be a necessary route for us to build our family. Who knows ... there's still a lot that remains to be seen in that area. For now, I don't anticipate adopting an infant, at least one from the U.S. There are too many amazing couples for whom that is the only way they can have a child for me to feel right about going that route if we have other options. But I can absolutely see us taking in a child of any age for a short time while their own family gets back on their feet through foster care, or maybe adopting an older child that needs a home. We will see. In the meantime, I'm hoping it's not too weird that I still love reading adoption profiles or adoption success stories.

Well, that's the end of the alphabet posting challenge. It only took me 8 months to complete, right?

Briefly now ...

it amazes me that we call 25-page documents in the law "briefs." They are much longer if you include the appendices.

Common courtesy ...

... includes taking your crying child completely out of a movie theatre. I'm still bitter. That is all.

Danger and Dave ...

Danger! Danger!

So a couple cool experiences I will share with you in blogland:

#1 It's the last day of finals. I have one 6-hour examination and the final paragraphs of a 25-page paper between me and freedom. (And by freedom, I mean the opportunity to take two weeks not in classes and write another 30-page paper and work part-time, but whatever. At least there were Christmas carols and ham.) I'm staying at my parents house because it's closer to campus and less than distracting than my apartment. I get up to leave and begin shutting down my computer. Clear as a bell, the thought enters my head "E-mail your work to yourself." I'm not really in the mood to argue and it won't take me very long so I do and rush off. Fast forward many hours and my exhausted self sits down at 8 p.m. to finish the paper which is due no later than 9:59 p.m. I turn on my computer. The folder I keep my paper in is completely missing. I go through Word's "recently used" function and click on my paper. The words "This file does not exist" flash across the screen in one of those dialogue boxes with red letters. I start to panic. The same happens for all of my drafts. The Recycle Bin is empty. It's as if this paper, in any form, had never even existed. Then I remember, I'd e-mailed it to myself! I opened the e-mail and began typing furiously. I was so grateful I listened. There's a possibility I could have recovered the paper, but I needed every second remaining to finish on time. Doubters out there may think I just followed through on common sense. Everyone knows you should back things up. But I am standing by my interpretation that it was a sign from God that my law degree is important to him, too.

#2 As mentioned below, I've been doing quite a bit of religious reexamination lately. I like attending meetings with Dave, but going to Relief Society by myself has felt more like a chore than anything. I grudgingly got out of bed today and made my way in, the whole time having an internal dialogue with God that I hope he makes it worth my while this time. As I went to sit down I again had a clear thought, "You should scoot over." So I did. Not two minutes later the baby in front of me started to hiccup. And then in a giant burst, projectile vomited all over the seat I had just been sitting in. Seriously. I would have had to shower and three times over to clean up had I been nailed by that kid. And I probably wouldn't have come back for the rest of the meetings. I couldn't help but laugh. It was as if God was saying, "I want you here badly enough to save you from baby puke." So I stayed. And it turned out we got to spend Sacrament meeting singing our favorite hymns. You could just go up and pick one and then everyone would sing it. I seriously can't think of a church meeting I've liked better. God still hasn't resolved my deep doctrinal questions related to patriarchy ... but he at least gave me some musical relief and saved me from getting slimed.

Dave -- More sleeptalking

#3 Dave wakes up with a start the other night. "Oh no," he mutters. "Oh no!!"

He keeps repeating this over and over and then sits up in the dark, turns around, and looks out the blinds. I'm laughing.

"What on earth are you looking for?"

"Spots," he said. "I think we've got spots!"

He jumps out of bed and yells to me, "Shield your eyes!"

I pretend to do so and he flips on the light. He's panicked and looking everywhere. He surveys the room, sighs with relief, and turns off the light.

"What spots?" I say as he climbs into bed.

"Oh. You know. Blood. Paint. But we don't have any so it's OK."

And he promptly falls back asleep.

Electric eels...

I am determined to finally finish up the alphabet posting I committed to and this was the only thing that I could think of for "E."

These guys totally freaked me out when I was a kid:

Just one more reason to avoid Disney when I have my own kids, right?

Faith ...

I've been absent from this blog for a long time. There are reasons/lame excuses for that, including school, moving, etc. But mostly, I just haven't felt, well, inspired. I had nothing novel or new to say. Or even anything remotely interesting. I needed a forum that could talk back, and a blog is not necessarily the best forum for that.

Inspired is a funny word. It's a word I've always associated with religion and with revelation. Recently I've seen it being thrown about as a word to describe the color of paint in a living room, or the way that a chef used the mint in a particular dish. It's also something I've really been missing.

I was in a pretty hard place this time a couple of years ago. You can read a really vague and kind of depressing reference to it here if you want. It was the kind of experience that I think for most people would result in a "crisis of faith." Somehow my convictions got through it pretty unscathed and I came out of it pretty proud of how well I'd handled things spiritually. Things improved and we all went on our merry way. And then the crisis of faith came back and hit me full force -- almost like a delayed reaction. The questions about my childhood faith in no way relate to the events of two years ago ... they center on completely different topics and issues than what I battled through. But somehow I can't disconnect the two. It's like what happened woke me up and forced me out of my secure world. A harsh reminder that the "fairy tale" version of the gospel isn't the real version and that a testimony and a desire to remain active, like anything worth having, was going to take some real, hard work for the first time in a long time. There was a lot of good that came out of those trials -- not the least of which was a fresh pair of eyes and perspective. And since the Church is such a big part of my life, it got a fresh new look as well.

That was just the beginning. Then came a life-changing feminist legal theory class, the finding of an amazing community of non-conventional LDS women, and more academic and scholarly reading than I care to show here. My childhood faith was no longer enough for me, nor was my missionary zeal. I'm no longer a child and I'm no longer a missionary. It is time for me to find a new way of viewing and thinking about my faith that meets the needs of my new phase in life. It may take a lifetime, maybe only a couple years. If the latter, I have no doubt the "faith of my late 20s" will be insufficient for the life I will have in my mid-30s and I will shortly find myself revisiting this process all over again. It was a good and peaceful realization for me that it's OK if my faith changes since my life has, too.

I've felt lost and in transition at times. But I've also had some wonderful experiences. All through it, though, the thing I craved the most was inspiration. That feeling of light and truth that comes directly into your soul. I missed it desperately when I first began this journey. I just couldn't seem to find answers anywhere. Everything just seemed to lead to more questions. It's one of the reasons I had no desire to write. I didn't want to list a bunch of unanswerable questions. Slowly, the inspiration has returned. And with it, lots and lots of hope. None of my doctrinal questions have been concretely answered. But feelings of inspiration have been present nonetheless. Some questions have gone unanswered, but I have received little insights in how to deal with all the inconsistency I see and ways to cope on a daily basis. Following through on those little promptings have been life-savers and I've found myself less and less frustrated or angry. I'm not sure what's coming, but based on the last couple of weeks I'm liking what I'm seeing. It's exhilarating, actually. I always wondered what it would be like to come into and accept the Church as a convert. I think this is the closest chance I'm going to get and I'm eating it up. Though it doesn't mean I don't still have a right to mourn the security and certainty that has been lost as my view has been expanded. I don't regret losing the narrow-mindedness--but can we all be OK with fact it sure made things simpler?

On a lighter note, "inspiration" has had some pretty practical impacts on my life recently. More on that in the forthcoming "D" post.

Graduation

... is now only 16 weeks away.

It's insane.

People keep asking me if I'm excited to "be done." In all honesty, "done" feels much longer than 16 weeks away. Following graduation, there will be months of bar prep, one very long exam, and possibly a year (or even two if I get lucky) of clerking before I am "done" and actually a practicing attorney. So it may well be 2014 before I take my first real client. But the fact the formal, sit-in-class, write papers, and edit millions of inane footnotes for one lousy law review credit is almost over is thrilling, however.

Hoffman ...

I have this secret thing for Dustin Hoffman. Don't mock me. I know he's old. And my "thing" for him is more of a fangirl crush than a "if I'd only I'd met him before Dave came along" kind of thing.

A couple of my favorite Hoffman movies to check out sometime:

"Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium" -- looks like a creepy kids movie but is actually a really beautiful film

"Stranger than Fiction"

"Runaway Jury"