I'v alluded to it in past posts, but early January turned my world upside down. Our marriage, my biases, my life views, my expectations, family relationships -- everything went topsy-turvy. The details haven't, and won't be discussed in this forum. It's too personal. But the beginning of 2010 left everything in pieces, and the rest of it was spent rebuilding. Some parts of life have been rebuilt even more beautiful than before. Some parts are still under construction. And some things -- well, one thing I've learned is just because something is fractured, maybe permanently, doesn't mean it doesn't have worth. In some cases, it becomes more precious.
I chose the word shattering, not shattered, on purpose. There were some definitely earth-shaking revelations that occurred. But things are not in the disarray that they were, and for that I am grateful.
Not all of the shattering that occurred was negative either. As soul-rocking as the experiences were, a lot of impatience, intolerance, insensitivity, and prejudice were shattered and shaken right out of me. I'm better equipped to handle future upsets, and I'm far quicker to offer a sympathetic heart to others who are shaken. Also, there's no doubt the fabulous education I've been blessed with this year formally, and with the crime victims I assisted and in Samoa, shattered misconceptions I didn't even know I had and replaced them with beautiful truths.
All in all, its been a painful rebuild. All growth is. I have NEVER felt so much despair. The best way I know to describe it is that sometimes when you're trying to piece back the shards, you cut yourself. My understanding of depression has significantly and permanently changed. But I would be ungrateful if I didn't acknowledge how generous God was in every other area of my life. It was like He knew how focused I was on rebuilding a few key pieces, and so He quietly managed the rest. So quietly, it took me looking outward to realize how blessed we've really been. For example, in the year that may go down in many people's books as a financial nightmare, we never had a single economic worry. We were blessed with a home to care for, a fabulous job for Dave right out of college, and two internship opportunities for me. There were no significant health problems, no massive car breakdowns, and no deaths. We have been so amply blessed. I truly believe it's because of these blessings that we were able to start healing so well and so quickly. It's because of these blessings that the year progressed from shattering to strengthening. It was a long road here, but I finally think I am ready to face 2011. And I'm excited. There is so much good ahead.
My hope for next year? Balance.
What's your word?